No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
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*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
can’t wait til they legalize outside