Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
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[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy