Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
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My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists