If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
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According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Human are so complicated
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.