If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
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I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please