me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
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PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
when you don’t want to be too vague
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.