Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
“I’m helping” 😅
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.