Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
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I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!