Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
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[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”