Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
You Might Also Like
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.