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Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
🤣🤣
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Every damn time
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
me logging onto twitter
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel