1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
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Rt to bother an English speaker
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.