Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
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About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Feel. He’s so soft.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
yall want some gasoline milk
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
this is literally a CIA plant
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.