Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
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Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done