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Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.