Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
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I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby