*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
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Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
🤣🤣🤣
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
s
oc
i
a
l
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case