Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
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I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.