My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
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asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
How all things should be taught/explained.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.