I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
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Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂