Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
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I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
sistine chapel
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again