Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
You Might Also Like
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
We’ve all been there…
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe