mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
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Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming