*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
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Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans