A great tip. #CakeRex
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Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
running feels great unless you compare it to not running