I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
You Might Also Like
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.