“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
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THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Hit me in the face with a bird
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good