I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
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[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”