If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
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My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
For anyone who needs this today
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.