Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
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“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Dead sexy!!
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today