I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
You Might Also Like
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
🙀🙀🙀😹
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Something Saturday.