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12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.