Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
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A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!