Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
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It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
The devil.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd