If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
You Might Also Like
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂