*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
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Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.