How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
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*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard