[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
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Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing