I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
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Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
*cough*
that wasn’t the question
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought