[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
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*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
man i love columbo
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.