Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
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Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
this chia pet tastes awful
I was up all night reading about insomnia
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??