A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
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Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?