Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
You Might Also Like
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does