me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
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When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.