He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
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#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.