Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
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The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don鈥檛 want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it鈥檚 already called a vulture
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
It was the third time that summer they鈥檇 dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
You don鈥檛 have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Venn
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 馃幎
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he鈥檚 a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she鈥檚 a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he鈥檚 a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was