“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
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My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I鈥檓 not a 10. I鈥檓 more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child鈥檚 future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
CW: What鈥檚 your middle name?
Me: It鈥檚 Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don鈥檛 have one.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don鈥檛 know what I was thinking
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it鈥檚 like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.