I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
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me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
What the hell happened here.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Not messing around
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.