“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.