Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
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Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy